Citing concerns that last month’s LepreCon and Hoboken Irish Cultural Festival were still “too Irish,” Hoboken has taken steps to introduce an Italian-Jewish Gay Pride Parade, set to take place on the first weekend in March as a replacement for the historic Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

For over a quarter-century, the city’s Irish-American community had hosted one of the largest parades in the entire state of New Jersey. That is until this past March, when the Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day Parade Committee and Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer failed to reach an agreement as to when the Parade would take place.

In the wake of its cancellation, the LepreCon pubcrawl and Hoboken Irish Cultural Festival each aimed separately at filling the void left by the Parade’s absence. But neither event was without controversy—the LepreCon failed to deliver the full level of wanton, carefree destruction anticipated by the throngs of out-of-towners who attended; while the Hoboken Irish Cultural Festival was openly ridiculed for having far too much actual Irish culture involved.

Keen on correcting the mistakes of the past, the current administration has seemingly taken action by eliminating the contentious Irish-American influence altogether.

In a memo leaked exclusively to hMAG by a known paid political operative—who then destroyed the evidence so that no one else could ever actually verify it—the City has whittled down the options to find the least offensive/most inclusive social and ethnic celebration possible.

“No one ever complains in Hoboken when there’s an Italian Festival, and that’s like every other week,” says the unnamed City Hall insider in the untraceable memo. “Meanwhile the Gays are currently trending sky-high in popularity—not to mention their coveted disposable income would be great for the city’s shops and restaurants. As for the Jews, well, why not? Who’s going to dare complain about them?”

Curiously, the memo went on to divulge plans to “ban the sale of Lucky Charms brand cereal and Irish Spring deodorant soap” inside city limits throughout the entire month of March. “We’ll drive the emerald scourge from this town like St. Patrick himself did with the snakes of Ireland,” says the memo, “unless they’re gay—then we’ll quite happily take their money.”

Opponents of the Mayor claim that this unsubstantiated memo is the smoking gun that confirms her reservations in regards to Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day have little to do with an historically documented acute uptick in violent crime, public drunkenness and vandalism; but rather have everything to do with her fervent, unapologetic Anti-Irish agenda.

The Mayor was unavailable for comment, as she was busy plucking Shamrocks by the roots from every square-inch of Hoboken’s green space.

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Author Ignatius J. Reilly is the main character in John Kennedy Toole’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, “A Confederacy of Dunces.” If you’ve read this far without realizing that the preceding story is absolute nonsense, then you may consider yourself to be among that confederacy. Check today’s date…