“We’re a world-class city with plenty to offer,” said Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer. “And if the Winter of 2022 is anything like the one we just had, Hoboken would be a perfect place to host the games.”
Supporting her argument is the fact that the city of Hoboken was more or less covered in ice for the duration of this year’s Winter Olympics. Coupled with the city’s run-of-the-mill water main breaks, the streets of Hoboken rivaled the Sanki Sliding Center—which hosted bobsleigh, luge and skeleton events for this year’s Sochi Games. “By letting the ice stay right where it was for so long, this city has already exhibited its willingness to embrace the culture of the games.”
Speaking of Sochi, in terms of infrastructure, Hoboken is certainly on par. “Some of the biggest problems in Sochi were sinkholes and brown water,” said Russell Ziskey, a Hoboken resident who attended the games. “Those are everyday issues back here in Hoboken. Add to that an ingrained, overarching culture of political corruption, and it’s basically the same place.”
Of course Hoboken is no stranger to big events, or winter sports for that matter. This past February, the city’s Pier A was home to curling lanes and a large set of Roman Numerals, as part of the New York Metro Area’s hosting of Super Bowl XLVIII.
“You need curling lanes?” said Hudson County Freeholder Anthony Romano. “I got a guy.” Referring to the XXIV Winter Olympics, Freeholder Romano also added, “Hell, we already have those numerals in storage somewhere. Maybe we can make another ‘X’ out of the extra ‘I’ or something.”
Hoboken’s hospitality industry is obviously on board with the initiative. Local bar owner Joe Branco has agreed to provide the city with Zambonis to replace the street cleaners, on the condition that he can plaster his logos all over them. “This plan makes sense,” says 4th Ward Councilman Tim Occhipinti. “The smoothing of the ice surface is our most effective way of mitigating the pothole issue around town as well.”
Meanwhile, concerns over “quality of life” issues—which typically scuttle any other lofty entertainment ambitions in Hoboken—were soon put to rest with the assurance that there will in fact be a bouncy castle at each and every sporting venue.
“Hoboken is ready to take its place on the world stage,” said Mayor Zimmer, adding, “for something other than cronyism and pay-to-play politics. We’re confident that soliciting support from members of the International Olympics Committee will help us move beyond all that.”
The preceding story was written for the sole intent of lighthearted, dare we say “foolish” entertainment. Anyone looking to subpoena the author would be wise to consult the dateline—which clearly reads “April 1st.”