By Christopher M. Halleron
(APRIL 1, 2021) You’ve just seen a mouse in your apartment?
CONGRATULATIONS—welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. Every scrape, every scratch, every squeak evermore will make you wonder if that is in fact a mouse scurrying about the very place where you rest your weary head and sleep… typically with your mouth wide open.
Legend has it that urban dwellers are never more than six feet away from a rodent as they conduct their daily lives. SIX FEET. Some might find that to be a blissfully harmonious coexistence with our fellow fauna. Others might find that to be absolutely f*@king terrifying.
For those in the latter camp, here’s a fun fact: not only do mice scurry about and crawl all over your belongings, they also like to sh!t a lot in the process—up to 1% of their body weight every single day.
So… now that you’ve seen a mouse in your apartment, here’s a list of things that will henceforth look like they could possibly be mouse sh!t.*
- Specs of dirt (any size or shape)
- Black lint (which somehow always appears to be tubular in shape)
- Clumps of dust (which you only discover while frenzy-cleaning everything in your apartment after seeing the mouse)
- Those little rubber pieces from synthetic turf (huge offender, because they actually look EXACTLY like mouse shit)
- Fresh ground pepper (not on our salad ever again, thank you very much)
- Potted plant soil (same color and consistency as mouse shit, likely knocked to the floor by a mouse)
- Bread/Cookie crumbs (if it’s a shade of brown, it’s in play)
- White lint (could be an albino mouse, like that one from Tom & Jerry)
- Mouse sh!t (yeah, sometimes it’s just straight up mouse sh!t)
- Castoffs from your everything bagel (those decadent days are behind you now; plain = peace of mind)
- Chocolate (the tiny little slivers that remain in the wrapper after you eat the bar, and then fall out onto your couch)
- Dead insects (phew—at least it’s not… hey, wait a second)
- Coffee grounds (nothing like the fear of mouse shit to wake you up in the morning—and keep you up at night)
- Basically, anything on a floor or counter
- Rat sh!t (no, it couldn’t be rat sh!t—it’s just mouse sh!t… please just be mouse sh!t)
(*NOTE: This is not a definitive list—we ask readers to recognize the fact that we can never fully comprehend their own individual levels of unhinged, implacable paranoia. Our purpose here is to simply fuel that paranoia, and then let you run with it… Sweet dreams.)