Broken Flip-Flop Convinces Shell of a Man to Concede His Youth and Purchase Ridiculous Sandals
HOBOKEN, NJ—In a rather stark moment of clarity, a spontaneous shoe malfunction subconsciously drove a Hoboken man to recognize his own mortality and relinquish his waning grasp on youth by graduating to a slightly more sensible, yet derisively pathetic form of warm-weather footwear.
“I blew out my flip-flip… y’know, like in the Jimmy Buffett song?” Yet the very fact that he reached for that “lost shaker of salt” of an analogy was a strong indication that pop-culture, fashion, society—even life itself—were all mercilessly passing him by.
“I got to thinking about the kind of support I need, what with my arches and my sciatic being what they are and all.” His creaking frame and dilapidated chassis were a tattered testament to the need for more a substantial foundation. “I saw these cool sandals and figured I’d give them a try.”
The “cool” sandals of which he speaks are Dockers® brand Pershing Fisherman’s Sandals, in Olive/Grey/Citron. They retail between $39.99 and $49.99—a paltry sum, when compared to the corresponding forfeiture of one’s own youthful essence.
“What’s nice about these is you can slip them on and off without having to bend over to tie or buckle them.” As one might imagine, that task has gotten more difficult over the years, with layers of adipose accumulating in his midsection, forcing the emission of an involuntary grunt whenever he attempts to reach anything below his own increasingly dysfunctional knees.
“The best part is, you can wear them anywhere!” Which he will—an act that is only certain to seal his sad, sad fate.