APRIL 1, 2019 – HOBOKEN: In the face of ongoing concerns over the city’s small business climate, Hoboken is proud to announce a jaw-dropping level of growth in the legal jobs sector over the past few years.
“Hoboken has proven to be a remarkable catalyst in the creation of legal work,” said a city spokesperson, “and there are no signs of letting up.”
Once a proud, blue-collar shipping community, Hoboken has seemingly made it its mission to evolve into a professional hub by creating a wellspring of opportunity for legal executives region wide. While certain economic factors might be viewed as circumstantial by skeptics, there is no debating that the legal job spike in and around the City of Hoboken is directly attributable to the City itself and the policies it has set, thereby fueling the dynamic growth in what is continually proving to be a vital industry for this upwardly mobile Hudson County enclave.
“Just look at the sheer volume of work they’re doing—between Union Dry Dock, the Hoboken Hilton, ongoing litigation with SUEZ, the Monarch Project, and so, so much more,” said the City spokesperson, “it’s a veritable smorgasbord of legal work—all of which is translating to billable hours and putting more money in people’s pockets. Hoboken is basically a square-mile economic stimulus for New Jersey’s thriving legal industry.”
Of course the city has a pretty remarkable history of long-running legal projects. Just google the words “Hoboken Lawsuit” and explore any of the 1,170,000 results. Meanwhile, current Hoboken Mayor Ravi Bhalla actually rose to prominence as a member of the legal profession. In fact, he’s so dedicated to the craft that he continues to maintain an “Of Counsel” role with Lavery, Selvaggi, Abromitis & Cohen, P.C.—a New Jersey-based law firm that practices in Zoning, Planning & Land Use and Real Estate—in addition to his role as Mayor of the densely populated city directly across the Hudson from Manhattan.
“Some folks might worry about the pace of legal work in Hoboken being sustainable, but we’re making sure the table is set for years to come,” said the City spokesman. “History has proven that every development proposal is a huge legal opportunity—and let’s not forget, there’s the distinct possibility that we’ll have to sue some contractors for failing to complete Washington Street on time.”
Although unconfirmed, sources say the City has been exploring the possibility of developing an app as part of its Hoboken311 initiative, where residents can quickly and easily launch litigation against businesses, other residents or even the city itself.
“In the past, Hoboken residents would just bitch about things on social media,” said our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, citing legal concerns. “But with the new #SueLocal app, folks can put their money where their mouth is—and give a significant portion of that money to a lawyer.”
Some critics might see the City’s activities as only benefiting one sector, but proponents will gladly argue that legal money spends as good as any.
“A rising tide lifts all ships,” said the City spokesperson. “Ideally, the money being spent on legal fees in Hoboken will trickle down to small businesses, as lawyers will always need to entertain clients. Local favorites like Biggie’s Clam Bar, Schnackenberg’s and Jack’s Cabin will surely see a huge shot in the arm as our City continues down this proven path.”
“Hell, you think it’s good now? Wait until they finally make an arrest in the case of those forged election fliers,” said our source. “That’s going to be a legal bonanza.”
***TODAY IS APRIL 1st. IT’S APRIL FOOL’S DAY.***
***THIS IS SATIRE. PLEASE DON’T SUE US.***